Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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