barbara walters just said penis...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
