Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
