Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
