Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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