She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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