Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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