literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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