VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
