what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
