My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
