I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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