is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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