There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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