Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
