I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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