did you get engaged???
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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