Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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