i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
