I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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