No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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