So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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