I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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