I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
