What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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