You're my little dorito
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I need to align my fucking chakras
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
