Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
