I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
