dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
