If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
