The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
