Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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