I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
