Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
