i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
