I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
