The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
