I wish I could punch you in the face.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
