last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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