1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
