Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
