Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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