No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
