I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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