The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
