In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's blow job season.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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