i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
