um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
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Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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