i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
