Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
