the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
