you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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