I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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