I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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