Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
