I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
