I think I won the penis lottery.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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