I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
