We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
